Victory

Well, I did it!!! I made it to my first small goal. Not the healthiest way of losing weight (not eating for days at a time), but it's done, 249.8. GOODBYE 250!!! You're NOT welcome in this body EVER AGAIN!!! I know, I probably shouldn't rejoice until I'm a little further from that number, but I'm going to rejoice tonight and do my best not to eat like a fat girl when I'm finally feeling better. Right now, where I currently sit, I face a scary possibility. I thought that my final Cesarean birth would be my last surgery on my "stomach", but if the results come back from all the tests they're currently running on me and it points to gallstones, the Dr. said it'd be back to surgery for me. I know, the gallstones surgery is easy peasy compared to a cesarean section, but anytime they put you under, it's a scary thing. So, I'm kinda praying it's an ulcer...of course, if it's an ulcer, than that means I'll most likely be in pain for a while before I get better. There's only so much they can do for an ulcer, and it's a slow process, so at least with the gallstones it's a "quick" surgery and then it's done. I don't know which would be easier or better...then again, it could be something completely different. I'm not a big fan of the waiting game, but unfortunately, that's where I'm stuck. I'm sitting here in pain tonight praying that it's one of the last nights for this...and with that, This post is done!!! VICTORY!!!! Relishing in it tonight!

Sabotage!!!!

Why?!?! Why does it seem that when I finally hit my stride and get into a good rhythm for working out, eating right and losing weight, something always seems to sabotage me? It seemed that in times past, I would start doing well and then I would get pregnant...well, that's not possible now. I've had my tubes tied...no more babies for us unless it's an act of God. So, I figured, I'm in the clear, I can lose weight, throw caution to the wind and just do what needs to be done, there's nothing stopping me now...WAM!!!! Health issues (insert a rolling of the eyes, a big sigh, and a HUGE frowny face). Last week, about a week and half now if we're being technical, I got sick (or at least I thought I was sick). Thought I had caught a bug, was having trouble keeping things down, my stomach was achy and crampy. Fast forward a week and half and 2 pregnancy tests later (I was desperate to figure out what was wrong...and yes, they were both negative), here I am, still sick...only it's gotten worse. I can't eat anything...ANYTHING!!! That's like a death sentence to a fat girl!!! (Note all the exclamation points, LOL) When I eat (no matter how little or how much) my stomach begins to hurt like it's about to explode from my belly button. Anything I eat feels like it's stuck behind my chest wall making sure to stay very close to my trachea so that it can come back up whenever it feels like it. Somedays I throw up, other days I barely keep it down. So today, I've eaten a granola bar for breakfast, a small bag of chips for lunch, a small bag of chips for a snack (Hey...don't judge...it's what I know will stay down and won't hurt my stomach too much) and I was actually doing pretty good. I had minimal pain with each of those food, but it was pain I could handle, manage, and still function and get stuff done...then I decided to actually eat dinner. BAD IDEA!!! I made my favorite for dinner, baked ziti...such yumminess in a 9x13 casserole dish. I ate a small portion, because I didn't want to push it, (ok...I didn't even have a plate, I ate the small amounts left on each of the girls' plates...so not much). Well, that small amount left me doubled over for the next hour and a half, almost in tears. So, I was going to go to the doctor tomorrow (and I really do think that I still am), but here is an excerpt from a conversation between me and my husband this afternoon. Me: "I called the doctor and there are no available appointments tomorrow, so I have to call back tomorrow to see if they can get me in with another doctor." Chris: "Do you think you could wait until we get back from Marriage Retreat?" Me: "I guess I can try...just kinda wanted to enjoy marriage retreat and not be in pain the whole time." Chris: "Well, I'm just kinda worried, knowing your luck, you'll end up in the hospital with something serious, and we won't get to go to the marriage retreat." Thank you Honey...I feel so lucky to have you worry about me so much! LOL. Well, after tonight's episode, I might just break down and go tomorrow anyway. I can only take so much pain...then again, maybe the "Pink Stuff" and I will become Best Buddies for the next few days! :) To Be Continued....

Back in the Saddle...Again

Wow...it has been far too long since my last blog post. I have determined that I need to start blogging again. No, I will never become a household name, and I will never be able to make blogging a career, but I need to do this for accountability. My good friend Adrienne, over at Chronicles of a Curvy Housewife, started a group on facebook for those of us trying to lose weight. We encourage each other, talk about our triumphs, our defeats, our struggles and just pretty much anything that suits our fancy. After several of my own personal posts (which seemed to go on forever and ever), I have decided that I needed to just start blogging again. With 4 girls that are 5 and under, and a husband that tends to be gone more than he's home, I find that there are days that I am "starved" for conversation. No one to truly talk to (adult conversation) and no one to encourage me in my ways. In fact, it's down right tempting not having someone here to keep me accountable. It's hard not to take on the attitude of "noone is here, they'll never know that I just ate an entire container of Lay's Stax potato chips" (ok, I might be confessing to this. I was sick yesterday and the only thing I could keep down were potato chips (I ran out of gluten free crackers), so it wasn't the entire container...but at least half of the tube). So needless to say, I'm not going to want to get on the scale today. So, I have made this decision to start blogging again and log into my blog and see that the last time I blogged was in October of 2010...wow...3 years since I last posted. I have had 2 children since my last blog post. In fact, my baby is about to turn a year old, my sister-in-law is about to get married and I'm trying to look my best for the wedding, but more importantly, I'm trying to get healthy for my children. Somedays, I feel that I'm the only mom who struggles with keeping the house clean, trying to find a balance between quiet time with God and quiet time for myself along with the chaos of raising 4 girls all so close together in age. My oldest started kindergarten this year, so that's been a change, although, I babysit to help pay for Bailey's school bill, so the chaos is still here in different ways. I usually don't have problems with doing the dishes and getting laundry done...it's the rest of the chores that tend to bury me. The bathrooms are always in disarray, the bedrooms are lucky to see a made bed, the livingroom...no, the couch is a revolving door of clothes. If they're not Chris' clothes from the night before, they're Bailey's clothes from the morning of getting ready for school, then there's the folded laundry that didn't quite get put away and now is mixed in with the dirty clothes (which makes them dirty in my mind), so back in the laundry they go. Then the toys, I barely ever see my floor for the mess of toys. "This will pass" they say, "You'll miss it when it's gone" they say, "Enjoy them while they're little" I'm told over and over again. I try to embrace these heartfelt adages, but my head tells me this is wrong. I'm a stay at home wife and mother, the house should be spotless, I shouldn't struggle with these things, there shouldn't be layers of dust on everything we own, the windows shouldn't look like they've never been washed...I could go on, but I digress. So, not sure how I got off on that tangent...but this is supposed to be about losing weight. I said all of that to say this, I have been eating right, and exercising for 2 weeks tomorrow (minus yesterday) and this is what I have noticed. When I eat right and exercise for at least 30 minutes everyday, I feel better. I'm not just talking in a physical sense. I feel better about myself, I feel better healthwise, I feel better in general. I have more energy to get some of these things done that I struggle with on a daily basis. I tend to clean more, my kitchen looks better because I have the energy to clean up the dishes as soon as they're made dirty, the laundry gets done because I don't want to see the house I just cleaned made dirty by a basket of folded laundry sitting there. I like to see the scale go down, in fact, I think that's what motivates me to workout on a regular basis because I know that when I put the effort in to eat right and exercise, I will eventually see the scale go down. What is it about that number on the scale? It's such a daunting thing...it's almost as if it holds my everything in it's tiny little display. If it's more than it should be, I can react by getting depressed, or react by trying harder to make it go down. If it's a smaller number, I find that it motivates me to do even better the next day...but it's a slow pace. I think of the days after my 4th baby was born. I hit my goal, I was under a 40 BMI...I was NEVER going back...and here I am, well over that...again. Why do I do this to myself? I just don't understand. I was so happy when the scale said I had met several personal goals, and now I'm starting all over again. On Saturday morning, I started the weekend just .8 pounds away from my first small goal of being under 250 again (and saying goodbye to 250 for the last time in my life), today, I'm afraid of what that tiny little display is going to tell me. Did I fail to make my first small goal because I was sick and decided to make bad choices? Or will I succeed because what were some awful choices in my mind, weren't quite as bad as I thought they were? Only time will tell, but I will know in a few short hours when I go for my 30 minute workout and weigh in. If you made it through this entire post today, you deserve a gold star...really. Hopefully all the blog posts won't be as long as this one...and hopefully most of them won't go off on other tangents like this one...but I just feel so out of sorts today. Maybe because it's Monday, maybe because I feel it's been a long weekend. I don't know, but here we go. Starting from ground zero. It's time to make this happen.

Well, It's time to be Selfish

Okay, so just finished watching the Biggest Loser episode 3 of this season and Bob was telling one of the ladies that she needs to be selfish. If she truly loves her children, it was time to stop letting herself go because of them and be selfish because of them. I truly love my children, and I want to do what's best for them, so I've decided to start being a little selfish. I'm going to have to demand some time for myself each day to work on ME. Due to some recent medical issues/changes which I'm not at liberty (i.e. not willing) to discuss just yet, I have to take it easy somewhat, but I will continue to walk each day with or without my girls, I will continue to try to push myself to run a little longer and a little harder each day until I am physically unable to. I will continue to try to eat healthy (not counting calories) just eating less and moving more (Thanks Dawne for allowing me to apply your philosophy to my own life and for inspiring me). Until I receive further word from the Doctor tomorrow, i have no clue where this journey is going to take me. I'm just putting it all in the Lord's hands and praying for HIS guidance AND protection during this time. This is the hardest part for me, because I so often want to do things in my strength, but if I've learned anything over the past few months and experiences, it's that the Lord's will is much stronger than mine. Sometimes the Lord has to BREAK our will in order for HIS will to be done. Please pray for me, you don't have to know the situation, God knows the intentions of the heart. Thank you all who read, thank you for your continued support and encouragement, you truly are a blessing to me. I'm not giving up, I will succeed...it might take a lot longer than I originally intended, but as I said earlier, God's ways are definitely not OUR ways. Hopefully I can post tomorrow with more details, but until then, I'm lifting my prayers to the Lord that HIS will be done in my life.

When Faith is all there is

So, as I sit here, scrubbing the nail polish out of my carpet, recalling the incident that has just happened, I listen to my little girl singing "Jesus Love Me" and thanking God that she wasn't seriously injured. She hasn't quite learned that her Aunt Amanda's things are off limits. She was only playing with nail polish, but then she got it open, as she came out screaming, her daddy and I saw that she was rubbing her eye and it was all over her. I couldn't grab the bottle quick enough to get it away from her, then immediately grabbed her and sitting on the floor with her in my lap, I started flushing her eye listening to the blood curdling screams of my little girl. I just sat there and prayed that the Lord would spare her sight. I couldn't imagine that through carelessness (mine because I didn't keep a better eye on her), my little girl might be scarred for life. She seems completely fine, content playing and giggling as if nothing happened. Recalling all of this, makes me realize just how fragile life is. Even 1 small thing can cause your whole world to crumble at your feet. It's during these times of reflection that I realize just how important my health is to my family. I have to get healthy because my family needs me. My husband is teh bread winner of the family, he works 2 jobs to supply for the family. We've just added another mouth to feed when my sister-in-law moved in to go to school, but there has been no extra income to supplement for the extra mouth. The Lord is still good though, He knows what He's doing. It's best if I don't question that. I said all of that to simply say that I'm not so sure how eating healthy is going to happen with little to no money for food on a monthly basis. But, I have learned from Dawne, in "Eating Less and Moving More", that it's more about eating less and making sure you exercise more. I think I will take on this philosophy until things get a little better for us. :) Until next time.

Starting all over

Okay, so with the impending doom of weigh-in looming over my head, I've got to get back on track. Loved having my mom here and miss her like crazy, but it's time to get my feet back on the ground my head out of the clouds. I started back on eating healthier this morning. I had a bowl of multi-grain cheerios for breakfast and my usual detox of a granny smith apple and hot water with lime juice. Then, I made eggs for Bailey and Chris and I ate the tiniest piece (to make sure they tasted okay). Then for lunch, I had a ham and cheese sandwich on wheat bread with 1/2 Tbsp of mayo and exactly 11 chips (my favorite, sour cream and cheddar). So here's the low down for the day so far.

1 cup multi-grain cheerios - 110 calories

1/2 cup 2% milk - 70 calories

1 GS apple - 80 calories

1 cup hot water with lime juice - 0 calories

tiny piece of egg - 5 calories

2 slices wheat bread - 140 calories

1 slice of ham - 40 calories

1 slice of cheese - 70 calories

1/2 Tbsp mayo - 45 calories

11 chips - 160 calories

running total thus far = 720 calories.

I really need to stop drinking the diet sodas and get back to drinking more water, but we bought equal amounts of regular and diet sodas while mom was here, and of course, there are still 4 cases of diet soda. It's so much easier to grab a can and pop it open then it is to grab a glass, put ice in the glass, pull the water out of the fridge, pour the water into the glass, put the water back, then worry that the girls will spill it because it's wide open. I need to get over it and just do it. :) Well, here's to the rest of the day...I'm really hungry, so watching what I eat has already been a struggle for me today. Just hoping I can choose healthy snacks.

Bad time to start a blog.

Okay, so I'll tell you that it's not a good time to start a blog when you're having company. I started my blog right after my in-laws left and right before my mom came into town for 2 weeks. Both, in and of themselves, not bad things, but right after my in-laws left, we had no money to buy groceries (healthy foods), and when my mother got here, she likes to spoil us rotten because we live so far away and she only gets once or twice a year to do this for us. So, I haven't been eating right...at all, and I have weigh in tonight...so don't want to see what I've gained. I've probably gained back everything, plus some, but I will step on the scale with my head held high and see where I need to make corrections. I think we'll eat a few more "comfort foods" and then bad to the healthy stuff. I have to have my fried pickles and jalapenos while my mom is in town, so once I get that, I'll do better. LOL Vallarta has a great sale on their apples for tomorrow only. You can get washington red apples or granny smith apples 3 pounds for $1.00, so we're gonna go buy them out. LOL Anyway, just thought I'd update since it's been a few days. Hope to have good news tonight, but not expecting anything great. :)